Anxiety.  It is a real thing.  It is a true struggle of mine.  Currently I am dealing with it in a massive way.  Honestly it is because I am exhausted of the junk.  What junk?  Well...I'm sick of people pretending to care about me and my family.  I'm worn out from people feeling the need to talk about me or my immediate family in a negative way.  It is disheartening.  Since we have moved back to PA, the amount of family that has turned against us is overwhelming.  Family?  Yup.  People who are blood.  People who should have my back, but, oh, they just talk behind my back.  It's lonely.  It's terrible and honestly, I am starting to weed those people out of my life.  It's honestly sad.  Simply because these people have no intention of telling me the things they have told others.  Then act like they are all good to my face.  Yeah, not going to fly.  

My advice to each of you....don't talk about people.  Seriously, do not.  It hurts.  I try to act like it doesn't, but you have no idea how deep it cuts.  Especially when you don't know the truth. There is always more than one side to everything.  Be sure you remember that.  So, please people, let's be above this.  Let's teach our kids that you don't talk about people.  Let's teach our kids to love even the unique about others.  Thank you to the family & friends that have shown love to me and have loved me through my faults.  

To any of you that struggle like I do with anxiety....I'm here for you.  I'm praying for you.  Anxiety is hard but we will push through.  

1 Year Later

My last post was in Dec 2018.  It was to explain why the move.  Why the move from Houston to small town PA.  It was truth.  It was all true.  Nothing, not a thing, nada, zip, zilch, zero is better than being around family.  God's way is the best way.  Hands down.  We know without a doubt that He moved us back home.

You see, today, at the very moment I write this, my sister, Alice, is in surgery.  She is having a liver biopsy and a chemo port put in.  Colon cancer.  You think it was coincidence that she was diagnosed 1 year after we arrived?  Nope.  No coincidence.  It was God.  God knew.

So, people have asked me a lot over the past year, Hey Beth, how are you doing?  Most of the time I say fine.  Or good.  Or ok, or I'll survive.  Yes.  I am ok.  But, honestly, I just don't know when the time to really share how I am is then or never.  When you ask, I know you are being genuine, but I don't know if you really have the time to listen or the wherewithal to take it all in.  Nope, I am not doubting you.  I'm not doubting your love for me or your care, but I am doubting that I can actually make it through how I'm really doing.  So, here it goes.  If you don't want to see or know the raw truth, stop reading.

Seriously.  Only continue if you really are prepared.

Truth, the raw truth.  The unedited version is this...

Life is hard. Real hard.  This year has been a struggle.  I've been on the big struggle bus.  I moved back to the northeast in the midst of an ice/snow storm. We had a huge group of people waiting for us here to unload.  Truth is, I was overwhelmed.  I walked in the house and immediately started to have a panic attack.  I cried.  I sobbed.  I stood in the kitchen and watched people carry box after box to various points in the house.  The steps. Oh.My.WORD, the steps in this house.  They were crazy.  The kitchen was tiny.  I didn't know how I was even going to get through a day, let alone a week with the kitchen.  To top it off, I was freezing.  Quite literally I didn't remember how cold, cold was.  I was broken.  I knew we were where we were to be, but I was broken.  Little did I know, for the next better part of 8 months our house would be in shambles.  Making it better, but living in filth.  Living in dust and dirt and no kitchen in the main house *thankfully there is a small kitchen in the in-law suite that we used*.  Thanksgiving and Christmas happened, but not the same.  It seemed to be a blur.  But we managed.  Eventually our house would be done, for now. Much more work needs done, but the budget says no way.

I struggle.  Every day.  I have many mixed emotions.  I LOVE being back home with family & friends and comfort.  But, it is hard.  There have been 2 times in life that I have felt most lonely.  In 2010 when we moved to TX I had a year or more of loneliness. Now, I was right back there.  2019 has been extremely lonely.  What?  Why in the world?  You moved home?!  You are with family!  Beth, for real, why in the world are you lonely??  Well, let me explain it the way it was told to me.  In 2010 when we moved to TX, my friends and family here had to keep living.  Their lives didn't stop because we moved.  Simply put....I'm replaceable.  Not in a rude way & not that anyone shouldn't have moved on.  I had to move on too.  It just took me a while.  2010 was hard for me.  I did make friends but it was tough.  I had never had to open up like that.  I had to be vulnerable in ways I didn't want to be.  So, coming back, same thing.  Sure, I had my family & friends here, but let's be real.  their lives, they had to keep going.  It was my life that was in limbo.  I had never been a stay at home mom in PA.  I always worked outside of the home.  Now, I was staying home all the time, but my friends and family still had to carry on.  They can't hold my hand every day.  I had to start spreading my wings again.  Slowly, but surely, I have been doing that.  Although I've been in a lonely period it isn't anyone's fault.  It is just life.  Simple.  Life.

Caregiving.  People thought I would fail.  Some actually even expressed it.  Whether to me or others they expressed the concern that I couldn't handle this.  Truth is.  Maybe I can't.  It's hard.  My heart is full on.  I love my parents more than life itself.  But, I can't find the balance.  My life isn't mine.  I'm now a parent of 4.  I jokingly say that but it is true.  I am responsible for more than just myself.  I struggle because I don't work out of the home.  I struggle because some days, can't be easy.  I've had breaks.  I have a dear friend who gives me breaks & a sister, Joyce, who has given me multiple breaks.  Of which, I am blessed and thrilled to have.  I don't regret caregiving.  It is hard but it's good.  I'm honored to be with my parents.  But that doesn't make it easier some days.  I also know that God is teaching me a lot through this.  He is showing me tangible sacrifice.  As hard as it is, I have a lot of learning to do.  Asking for help & admitting when I can't is one of the things I have to learn.  That is not easy for me to do.  But, I will continue to try.

Parkinson's.  God, that disease sucks.  The fact that a year ago my husband was on 0 medications and was in good health and that he now has a diagnosis and the disease has already started to make it's mark on him is hard.  He now takes multiple medications on a daily basis and although we do see some help with the disease, it is limited.  However, let's just go to the fact that God moved us within 2 hours of the nations top Neurological center with Johns Hopkins.  Once again, our move has been good.

So, how am I?  Well, I miss a lot about Houston.  I miss the zoo.  I miss the time I had to be with my kids.  I miss having evenings outside with them in the warmth.  Even in the cooler times in TX, it was bearable.  I miss the museum district.  I miss my friends.  I miss my church.  I miss a ton about TX.  But, when I was in TX, I missed my family.  Daily.  I missed them.  Now, I'm here.  I'm with them.  I got to be at my family reunion this summer.  Although I literally fell flat on my face and skinned my body up, I loved being there.  Then, last weekend, we had early thanksgiving with my family.  And got to celebrate my sister Joyce's 60th birthday.  What a wonderful weekend it was.  Seriously the best.  Then now, my sister Alice is in the fight of her life.  And I get to be here.  So, would I trade it? Would I change moving back home?  Nope.  Not at all.  Family is way more important than being around amenities.  This year, we get to celebrate Thanksgiving in our home.  The home that I no longer hate.  The home I have grown to love.  All the steps included.  This year, Christmas may be financially hard, but the love and time we have together will be celebrated.

So in 2020, I will ask for help more.  I will try to put my relationship back on the burner with my husband.  It as be lacking.  We don't have time together alone, ever.  This year, that will change.  Also this year I will continue to treasure the moments.  Last year God gave me the word Treasure.  To treasure the time.  Where your treasure is, there will your heart be.  I'm sticking with that word for 2020.  I need more time to grow with that.    

And so, 1 year to the day after we left TX and arrived in PA, how am I??  I'm good.  For the most part I am enjoying the seasons.  I loved watching the autumn change this year.  I loved watching spring.  It has been good.  I'm making new friends, I'm reconnecting with old friends and I'm trying to trust God has the best plan possible for me.  I'm still struggling to know my dream.  But, time will heal.

From the bottom of my heart, TX friends....I love y'all.  I miss y'all daily, but life in small town PA is right where I need to be right now.  PA friends....thank you for loving me.  Thank you for allowing me back into your life, even for the little times we can connect.  I love y'all.  Family....it's good to be home.  You are all loved.

Why???

Why in the world would you leave Houston, TX, the most populous city in the Southern US, with 2.3 million people in 2017 to go to Shippensburg, PA, a small town with roughly 6,000 people?  Well, after being asked that question a number of times over the past month, I felt it necessary to let you know our answer.

Honestly, family is our #1.  There is NOTHING better than being around family.  NOTHING.  Simply put, our family is the only reason we needed.

But, here is our story.  We never thought we would leave TX.  When we were moved there in 2010, we thought that was it.  God wanted us to stay there.  It provided a lot of fun activities for us to do and allowed me to become a stay at home mom.  I'm not sure that would've happened had we not moved to TX.  Anyhow, moving there provided warmth for my parents to come and spend 2-3 months out of the winter with us and to enjoy being snowbirds.  They did that for all but 1 yr of us living in TX.  We enjoyed all Houston had to offer.  We loved going to Galveston, we were members of the zoo each year, we loved visiting the Children's museum and museum district and thoroughly enjoyed having visitors and showing them around.  Dan made lots of friends at work & although the first 5 years of us living there he traveled for work, we were blessed.  We joined Lake Houston Church of the Nazarene within a few months of us living in TX and stayed there all 8 years.  We made lots of friends there & I have many women there who simply helped me walk through life.  We adopted Clara there.  Something that we never thought would happen and it did.  We homeschooled for a period of time there and most of all, we made friends that would become family to us there.  So, we were more than convinced that we would be there for life.

Well, God's way is always the best way.  This past summer in June we made a road trip home.  We spent a couple weeks going around and visiting our loved ones.  Dan then flew home to TX and the kids and I stayed back an additional couple weeks.  We had so much fun.  We soaked in love and enjoyed the small town fireworks for the 4th of July, the kids caught fireflies and we visited family.  We honestly had a blast.

While the kids & I were in PA visiting, Dan & I were talking on the phone when he told me there was a job opening in PA.  We talked about it, about all the particulars to the said job and prayed.  We decided it was not the right fit for us, so we let it go.  Fast forward to the kids & I arriving home and Dan telling me another job had opened.  Same thing.  We prayed.  Talked.  Trusted this wasn't meant to be.  By the beginning of August, the 4th, yes 4th, position in PA came available.  Ok.  It was really time for us to stop being selfish and pay attention.  I couldn't shake the feeling that it was time to move home.  So, we prayed.  We talked to my parents, who immediately said we should apply.  Dan & I prayed some more and he applied.  We felt like we had to do it and if God didn't want it, He would shut the opportunity down *he had done so in the past*.  Well, with the government jobs, things don't typically move very fast.  So, we kept living life & prepared for a wait.  Dan applied on a Thursday & by the next Friday, yes, 1 week later, we knew he had the position.  We were in shock.  Honestly, there were parts of us at that moment that wanted to scream noooooooooooo.  But, we didn't.  That began a whirlwind of preparing to move.  The entire move was a God miracle.  Our home in TX had increased in price since we bought it and since we didn't flood last year with Harvey it was even better.  We sold our home within 72 hrs of placing it on the market, having multiple offers to choose from.  We seriously were blessed.  Although we sincerely miss our friends there in TX (and we genuinely do), we are glad to be home.

So...why a small town you ask?

The sweetness of hearing the church bells ringing in the middle of the day and playing a Christmas Carol in the morning is something I will never tire of.

The quietness of the night is amazing and to be able to see stars again is beyond beautiful.

I've been called honey, sugar, sweetie and doll more times in the past month than I was ever called in TX.

The small local stores are something to behold.  They are amazing & I have loved shopping them.

Sometimes it is annoying, but horse and buggy's are a sight & sound that is sweet to me.  It's neat to see others and how they live simply.

Of course, there are sweet, sweet things I love about being here again, including Sheetz, Scrapple, Farmers Cheese, Small Schools (Oh & the fact that BOTH of my children are in public school for the first time ever) and many more things.

The fact that I was in town to celebrate my moms 80th birthday was awesome.  It was the first time in 8 or more years that I have been with her for her birthday.  So, being able to have a family lunch and celebrate her was amazing.  Being able to see my parents each day is incredible.  Something I will not take for granted.

So, those are a few things I love about being back home.  What do I miss?  Oh, I miss my friends in TX.  I miss the warm weather in TX, although come summertime I'm not sure I'll miss the high heat.  I am semi enjoying the cold here.  Honestly, today I thought how great it was to feel like Christmas.  Yes, the cold temps have made it feel like the holidays.  I'm sure come February I'll be sick of it though.  lol  We collectively miss our church.  We haven't found our new home church here yet, but we know we will in time.

Why should you visit me in my small town?  I'm so glad you asked!  First of all, because it's US!  WE are here!  But, also because we live roughly 40 mins from Gettysburg.  A little over 2 hrs from Washington DC, Philadelphia & Pittsburgh.  Plus Hershey is only an hour away & who doesn't love some chocolate. I know it's not the beach, but.....chocolate!  hehe  So, plan it.  Plan your trip.  Come enjoy our small town.  I promise to give you southern hospitality and love on you.

So for now, I'm off to enjoy my 1st Christmas at home with my family.  Love to you all!

My Final Thoughts

So.....I want to thank you for enduring the month with me regarding adoption posts.  I know, I know, the end of the month isn't really here, but I am concluding this journey this evening unless something bright and new hits me for tomorrow.

I have lots of friends in my life that have adopted.  I seriously am blessed and thankful for those that are in my life.  One cool thing is, adoption is becoming a more accepted option.  I am so glad!  My kids will always grow up knowing all about it.  The good, the bad, the ugly and the fabulous.  There are so many different aspects and angles.  It is glorious.

Be sure to share with your kids.  Let them know how adoption is out there.  Read them books.  There are lots of books out there.  We have many for our kids, but there are also books out there for you to help your biological children to understand about adoption.

Look for ways to help.  Whether that be to encourage families in the wait, help them financially or just to be there to offer free babysitting when momma and daddy need a small breath.  Love on the kiddos.  Being adopted makes them normal.  Normal.  Just because they are adopted doesn't mean they need to be singled out.  It does mean they will deal with some things that biological children don't, but it also means that they will deal with some different situations.  They will be strong.

On adoption I didn't cover much about is International adoption.  Well, basically because I know very little about it.  I have several friends who have adopted internationally, but I don't know much of the insides of it.  I do know it is wonderful.  A great option!

So, I hope that you know.....I love adoption.  I am pro-adoption!  I am a mom thanks to adoption.  I am grateful for adoption and everything about it.

Please, let me know if you have any questions or comments.  I will be happy to answer them!  Thank you all for reading and being a part of this month!

Guest Blogger--Janice!!!!!

God Wants Us to Do Hard Things

We left the hospital feeling like we failed. With an empty car seat behind us, we sat emotionally and physically exhausted as we returned to Houston from St. David’s Hospital in Austin. The next day, we sat around the dinner table with our four kiddos. They ask “where is our baby brother?” ”What happened?” “Why did CPS not let him come home?” Understanding that God is sovereign in all things, our only answer was “God wants us to do hard things.” This is a refrain my children hear often from me, but today as their mom and dad sit with blood shot eyes and no appetite because of stress, they get to see us practice what we preach.

Now, there is no time to describe the roller coaster of our adoption experience. We arrived at the hospital when our son was one day old and from the moment we arrived we experienced one major hurdle after another. “You can only jump one hurdle at a time,” I assured my husband. Since CPS was involved, it made things even more complicated. We had made arrangements with the birth mom to adopt her child privately. Even though (after a bunch of drama!) we got the mother’s termination of rights and a hospital release, CPS still filed for custody. We sat with our son that Monday morning in a hospital room making phone calls, praying and trying to figure out what to do as we had no representation in court that was to meet later that day. Despite our best efforts, at 4:00, we got the news that our son was going into CPS custody.  “Should we just walk away?” my husband rightly asks. We knew that we did not want to work with CPS, for several reasons I won’t go into (not only due to space, but because I don’t want to discourage anyone from working with CPS). Being foster parents was not an option for our family and the possibility of going through up to 6 months of litigation to fight with Austin CPS in court seemed unreasonable. However, as it stood, God had not yet completely shut the door, He just allowed things to be difficult. We knew we were not in sin. God calls us to care for orphans (James 1). We knew were fighting for the future of this child from being at the mercy of a godless government agency. He was worth fighting for and we had to recognize this as a trail that God desired us to walk through. Physically, mentally and emotionally we were exhausted. But spiritually we were solid. While there was chaos all around us, we hung onto the things we did know for sure: God is good. God does not leave us or forsake us. The testing our our faith produces perseverance and hope that does not disappoint us, which is why we can have joy (also James 1…whew, good thing the kids and I memorized that chapter this summer!) We acknowledged that we did not need to fear difficulty and hardships because we knew God ordained them. God wants us to do hard things.

After 2 weeks in foster care, our son was placed in our car seat and we brought him to Houston. A month later CPS created case law in order to turn him over to us for a private adoption (something that truthfully everyone said CPS just doesn’t do!). God placed so many amazing Christian sisters in our lives like our lawyer and case managers who literally dropped everything they were doing to come to our aid. God was so merciful. Next month we return to court to finalize the adoption. Honestly in the back of my mind I expect something else crazy to happen when we arrive in court. But that’s ok. Because God who began this good work will bring it to completion…no matter how tumultuous the path may be.

**I'm thankful to know Janice and her sweet kiddos.  It has been a blessing to watch them go in faith on this journey!*

Janice & her hubby

The sweet kiddos!  All of them! 

Clara is ours!

So, we left the hospital Sept 17, 2013.  Our princess was almost 1 month old.  A couple things I didn't tell you in the last blog.....remember how the Dr's told us that we could expect a long NICU stay?! Well, they continued to tell us that.  Even when she was weaning down on the medication, they continued to remind us that this could be a long process.  Now, I understand that is really what they "need" to tell us, but when it came to the day they released us.....all the Dr could say was TLC goes a long way.  To which I replied, prayers-our God protected her and helped her through.  It was very evident to us.  She was where she was due to the prayers that had been lifted for her for months before she was born & the time she was in the NICU.  We were so thankful.

Home.  It was a ride.  For the first several months this child SCREAMED and I really mean SCREAMED NON STOP for the entire time she would be in the car seat.  Whether it was 2 minutes or 30 minutes, it was crazy.  There were moments I would actually call Dan on the phone (which was blue toothed in the van) just so he could enjoy the moments too.  Yup, I am that wife.  Every night around 6pm, Clara would scream.  Scream for 2 hours straight!  Oh, those were the moments that I lived for.  yeah.  NOOOOO.  However, we made it.  We survived.  She eventually stopped and her withdrawal symptoms became less and less.  Yes, she still had some.  They advised us that she could show signs for up to 18 months.  The cool thing.....as she grew, the less we knew.  All of the "what ifs" that could've been, were not.  She was fine!  God had truly protected her.  Seriously, that was a miracle we were thankful for.

Our adoption legal process hit many bumps and potholes.  It ended up that we didn't finalize our adoption until June 19, 2015.  It was a glorious day & sooooo worth the wait!  We were complete.  Our family was full.

This was our finalization day!!!!!  

One final thing I will share about our little lady.  Clara Harmony.  I told you how and where Elijah Dylaun got his name.  So, Clara.  Well, there is this lady in our lives that we adore.  I grew up without Grandparents.  My grandparents passed away before I was born & when I was young, so I never knew them.  When I met Dan, there was this lady who loved me as if I was one of her own grandchildren.  I now knew what having the love of a grandparent was.  Grandma Davis was that lady.  Dan always had admired her and loved her.  We knew that if we were ever blessed with a little girl we wanted to name her after Grandma.  Well, Grandma Davis, her name is Clara Mercy, but she was always called Dolly and so.....we originally had planned on naming a little girl Mercy Mae.  Well, when we moved to TX, we have a dear friend who takes a lot of our pictures and her photography business is MercyMae Photography.  So....as we talked about our options, of which there were MANY that came through....we decided on Clara.  Even though Grandma never really went by Clara, we knew that we wanted our daughter to have her name.  So, Clara it was.  For the middle name, we had desires, but we asked birthmom if she wanted to have a say in her middle name.  She thanked us, but declined.  So, we went with Harmony, which is my mom's maiden name.  I've always heard a lot about my mom's mom, so it seemed perfect to use my mom's maiden name as Clara's middle name.  So......Clara Harmony it is and we LOVE it and it FITS her perfectly!

So, I will leave you with this....we were blessed to have Mamma-Great (what our kids call Grandma) here with us for a while this summer.  So, I will leave you with some pictures of my 2 Clara's!  

This picture grabs my heart!  

Clara was enjoying some alone time with Mamma-Great!

Our Queen and Princess

Spending time outside together

Something was funny!  Pure love!

-thank you for reading our adoption journeys

Guest Blogger Shanda!!!!

I asked a friend to do a blog on their journey with Foster Care/Foster to Adopt.  Here is her post!!!!  Thank you so much Shanda!

Shanda and her family (currently)

When I was asked to be a guest blogger my heart raced y’all, I have 5 littles!  My first thought was “How am I going to find the time??” I knew I wanted to share our story. I talk about it with anyone willing to listen, even people in the Walmart check-out line. I want people to care about foster kids, like deeply care. I want people to hurt for them, ache even. Not to the point that they just care with emotions, but with actions. Like give it all to God and live with abandon actions. You see-that’s what we did. Not because we are something amazing (we’re very ordinary), or because we’re rich (people often think it’s expensive, its not!), or because we have so much free time (we’re actually extremely busy), or because we’re great parents (we rely on the Lord to fill in all those many gaps)! There’s nothing different or special about us, except that we chose to follow the Lord’s calling on our life, and boy have we been blessed! 

My husband, Julius, and I always knew we wanted to adopt. We had no idea what that would look like for our family and original plans included having a biological baby and adopting one. The Lord began to speak to me through sermons at church, billboards, radio hosts, He began stirring inside of me this passion for this journey that I never saw coming. We took the leap and went to a CPS informational meeting. It was no commitment, just come hear about it (these meetings can be found here https://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adoption_and_Foster_Care/Get_Started/Information_Meetings/06.asp) . We went in thinking we would just adopt from CPS and left the meeting feeling the calling for foster care as well. Fast forward almost 4 years later-we have adopted two and have fostered 8 others. Our journey is much too long to share through out a one day blog post and has been such a roller coaster ride. The Lord has worked on my heart, my head, my soul, and every other part of the human body to tear it down and rebuild it up new. To show me to live for his Kingdom, not my own and to rely on his strength, most certainly not the little bit that I thought I had. 

There are so many myths about foster care that I wish I could debunk here. The most common thing I hear is “We thought about fostering, but I couldn’t handle it when they go home. How do you do it?”. Let me just be frank-I want to really scream “HOW DO YOU NOT DO IT?”. We’re talking about kids being abused, homeless, hurt, hungry and traumatized, and you’re asking me about how I do it? How I live my comfortable life with everyday normal problems? I don’t-I invite the hurt inside to my very own home, I pray for strength for healing, for peace, for comfort, to make a difference, to make it through this second or the next, to have a heart like Jesus, to see these kids the way He sees them, to love them despite what it will cost me. DESPITE WHAT IT WILL COST ME. It’s not about me, it’s not about you, it’s about what the Lord has asked of you. If you feel that passion, the stirring, for caring for kids in need. Rather it be for foster care or adoption, get on your knees and pray. Pray that the Lord will show you what He has for you and will lead you down your own unique path according to His will. 

I would love to answer any questions that you may have about fostering or adopting through CPS. I can be reached through FB messenger (Shanda Lewallen Karow) or by email at shandalewallen@yahoo.com.  If you haven’t seen the news, there is a crisis right now from shortage of homes. I won’t try to convince you that “the time is now” or “get busy today”! When you listen, the Lord will take care of the rest ☺.