Tough Times

That first night, we were all exhausted, we were torn, our hearts wanted to stay in the NICU, but we knew, we needed a good nights rest.  So, we said see you later to our sweet Clara and went home for the night.  

The next day I went back to the hospital right away.  Birthmom and I had some time together and then I spent my day with our princess.  Nurses came in and out to help me feed her, and figure out all the goods.  I did kangaroo care quite a bit.  We knew that attachment issues could arise for several reasons, but especially from the drug addiction.  

Withdrawals.  Probably the most difficult thing EVER that I have gone through.  She was on a detox regiment.  Dr's and nurses were very clear to us that we were in for about 2-3 months.  This was day 1 and I was strong.  I knew this going in, so I had to be ready.

Moments were precious.  Moments with Clara were tough, but so loving.  She started out doing so well.  

On Sunday, birthmom was released from the hospital, but before she left, she signed adoption paperwork.  So that part was completed, but the legal process couldn't begin until Clara was released from the hospital too.  

At one point, the delivering and caring for OBGYN told me that he thought we were brave and he wouldn't have adopted this baby.  I was in shock.  I just replied, we trust that God has protected her and taken good care of her. 

Over the next couple weeks Clara amazed all the Dr's.  By the end of the second week when we were leaving they told us the next morning she would be reduced on her meds.  But, the next morning, we got there and she was back up to a full dose.  What was happening is that every day one or both of us were there and she would do great, then we would leave at night to go home and she would worsen.  It was devastating!  So, that day, I determined that was it.  I was sleeping there.  I wasn't leaving.  

The blessing was this....Dan was able to take time off, which was great because Eli started Kindergarten the Monday after she was born.  So, we would take him to school in the morning and then go see Clara.  We would leave to pick him up and go back to her, or I would stay there and wait for Daddy & Eli to come back.  It was a lot of driving.  But, she was worth it.

It was also a blessing because we had LOTS of visitors at the NICU.  People in our life drove the distance to come and visit with us.  They came and held her and loved on her and we knew we were blessed.

So, by this point Dan was able to be home with Eli & I stayed at the hospital.  I had 2 chairs in our area the I slid together with a foot stool in between and I slept there at night.  The NICU nurses were amazing, but by this point, I was the one taking care of her.  I only called on them if I needed help.  I slept like that for 2 nights.  Then, they allowed me to move into the NICU "next step" room.  It was seriously amazing.  It was like my own hotel room.  I had a shower and bathroom in there, I had a bed (ahhhhhh) and a tv, sink and all I needed for sweet Clara.  

Since staying at the NICU she had been progressing very quickly.  I was with her 24/7 now.  Dan and Eli would come up on the nights they could, but we tried to be smart about the traveling.  Now that I was in the room, they fed me breakfast, lunch and dinner, which was amazing.  I never thought I would get that.  

Sept 16, we got good news.  They were taking her off of all MEDICINE!  WOO HOOO!  They were all shocked at how well she was doing, but we had many people praying for her. The day went great! They told me based on the evening and how it went, she could be sent home the next day.  

Well, September 17, 2013.......we went home!!!!!!!!  YAY!!!!!!!

Enjoy these pictures from that day.  

Her going home outfit.  Had this made and loved it!  

World's Best Big Brother!  He was so proud of his little sister!

Eli was super excited that we were leaving together as a family!

Eli got to push her out of the NICU.  It was a very memorable moment! 

She's Here!!!

The day went slowly.  It was tough.  That little princess was sure being stubborn.  She did not want to come out!  Dan joined us at the hospital for a while, but had to head home early afternoon to be at the meet the teacher night with Eli.  

We had an amazing staff in the hospital.  Our nurses stuck by our side the entire time.  They were amazing.  

By 5pm she was progressing nicely.  Epidural had been given and we were ready to go.  Dan was with Eli.....awaiting updates and I was getting more and more nervous by the minute.  

At 5:24pm our baby girl arrived!  It was amazing.  Witnessing the birth was amazing!  I was seriously blown away!  Birthmomma did an incredible job.  Seriously it was fantastic!  But, as soon as the baby came, they whisked her to the NICU.  She hadn't cried at all.  I texted Dan and said, she is here.  The nurses escorted me to the NICU even though I was torn and was feeling terrible for leaving birthmom.  But, in the NICU, I was sat down and heard the loudest crash of thunder, followed by seeing a bright rainbow.  Seriously, it was so crazy!  I knew that was God's sign telling me "He has it in His control!"  Just then I heard a slight cry, it honestly sounded like a newborn kitten.  It was a sad, quiet cry, but I was jumping for joy inside and crying outside. 

As one set of nurses were taking care of my baby, another was talking with me getting information.  

What is her name? they asked.  Clara Harmony Davis
they continued to get more information from me & gave me all the NICU details.  Clara was here.  She weighed 6lbs 10.7oz *not bad for being a month early* and was 19 1/4" long. 

But, here is where our toughest journey began.  I will share that info tomorrow, but for now, enjoy some pictures from the first night.  

Remember that Big Brother shirt we bought & prayed over?  Well, HERE IT IS!  PERFECT FIT!  Now, THAT is GOD!  ONLY GOD! (He was SOOO proud to wear it!)

After meet the teacher, Daddy & Eli rushed to the hospital.  This is our very first family picture of 4!!!!!  

Eli is the BEST big brother EVER and I seriously mean the BEST.  We couldn't hold Clara the first night, but Eli put his hand up there & she held on to his finger TIGHT!  INSTANT sibling connection.  From 2 birthmoms, yes, but siblings forever yes!!!  Bound in love, built through adoption and Brought together by God....our family!

Our sweet Clara Harmony.  Her beginnings were rough, but God had it all in His control!

Baby Girl

Because birthmom had to spend a night in the hospital due to high blood pressure and she had perinatal diabetes, so we had weekly dr appointments.  She was doing well with her methadone treatments daily and we texted and talked daily.

I will not lie.  There were a LOT of days that were drama filled for various reasons and some of which I will not share on here.  Even though we have a relationship with birthmom, it is not to the point yet where we are open about everything and even though I am not naming her in this blog, I have to respect her and not put everything out there.

So, having said that, we had some rough patches, but I truly loved our birthmom.  I do love her.  Regardless of her choices and whether or not I agree(d) with them, I have to believe that God placed her in my life for a reason.  The truth of the matter is, just because there were drugs, it didn't make her choice to place for adoption any easier.  People have asked me, weren't you mad at her for doing that to your baby?  My answer is short.  No.  I understand addiction more than I care to admit.  I don't understand drug addiction, but I do other addictions.  Here is my take on it....when she found out she was pregnant, she got help with methadone.  She also made a tough choice.  She decided to place.  Yes, most likely the baby would've become a ward of the state & she wouldn't have been able to keep her anyhow, BUT, she chose to place!  That is a praise in my book!  That is something worthy of respecting.  She placed her baby ahead of herself.  She worked with an agency in TX, which meant that she left her home for a few months to come have the baby here.  She had to leave her comforts and all she knew to place the needs of the baby first.

Next appointment went well and we had the next appointment set for Aug 22.  On that date we ended up going straight to be admitted for induction.  Her blood pressure had elevated and they wanted to induce the next morning.

Now, y'all, I had so much going on at this point.  Dan was working in a different part of TX, so I had to call him & have him get home.  Eli was to have a meet the teacher for Kindergarten on the 23rd.  Since birthmom had agreed to allow me in the delivery room with her, I wanted to be there with her!  So, I took her to the hospital, got her taken care of, then I went home to gather some of my stuff.  Dan got home, I grabbed everything I needed and back to the hospital I went.

It was exciting for me.  I got to stay there.  We chatted and then, decided to sleep.  I slept, but I am fairly certain she didn't sleep much.  Of course, there were nurses in and out and a constant monitor on the baby.  *which, I loved, btw*

August 23, 2013...the day started out EARLY.  Pitocin was stated at 5am.  5am!!!!!  Y'all, I DO NOT LIKE 5 am.  But, on this day, I was happy to be up at 5 am.  However, pitocin doesn't make things happen super fast all the time.  So, we waited.

Our 2nd Journey Continues

Birthmom picked us.  She was happy with us.  She was thrilled to place with us and we were super happy!!!!!

I kept in touch with her and even took her to her next Dr. appointment.

In July, Elijah & I flew back North to spend time with family & to be at my sister's wedding.  It was a great trip and I enjoyed being able to talk to my family, especially my mom & dad about our new pending baby.  My dad told me that felt the baby was a girl.

Now, you have to understand something.  My dad is not a psychic, but he often predicted and knew the sex of babies in our family & he was never, I mean never, wrong.  You see, we talked about this issue a lot that weekend.  Mostly because I was getting fever to buy items for the nursery, but I was waiting until we had another ultrasound before I bought anything.

So, this girl who wanted to have 10 boys was all of the sudden really secretly praying for a girl.  Hoping for a girl, but I was excited for a boy.  I knew no matter what we had, I just wanted a healthy baby and that was really important for this.  We prayed and asked many of people to pray that our baby would be healthy.

Beginning of August, I went with birthmom to a Dr. appointment.  She was having an ultrasound.  I was so excited.  I was trying hard not to be overly so, but eeeekkkkk.....I was about to for sure know.  Time seemed to stand still.  In the waiting room I was anxious.  I was ready, but appointments never happen on time, right?!  HA!

Then it happened.  She was called back.  I think I jumped up as fast as I could.  I tried to be patient as she had her vitals taken.  Then it happened.  I heard the heartbeat.  I cried!  I saw the picture on the ultrasound (which by the way----I have NO IDEA how people see everything they see on there).  I was already crying at this point.  It was amazing.

First of all, it was incredible that she allowed me to share this moment with her, but it was also amazing because, although this was my 2nd baby, this was my first time ever being a part of an ultrasound.  I was in awe.

The technician asked if we knew the gender.  Birthmom said, well, the first ultrasound they told me I was having a boy.  Technician looked puzzled and said, well, definitely not a boy.  You're having a girl.  WHAT?!  Eeeekkkkkk!!!!!  I'm having a girl!  A girl!

Sugar and spice and everything nice!  That is all I needed to say!  My dad was right!  So, by this point I was now giddy.  We saw the Dr. next and I am not sure I remember anything he said.  I was too excited.

After the appointment, birthmom and I had some food and then I took her home.  I couldn't believe I was going to have a daughter.  I couldn't believe it, but I was still so scared.  I was so nervous that this would all fall through.  It was tough.

The next appointment we had, the Dr. sent her straight to the hospital.  Her blood pressure was elevated and she needed to be watched.  She ended up staying the night and was released the next morning.

By this point our nursery was starting to come together.  Elijah and Dan had painted her room a bright yellow and the decorations were being placed.

In the meantime we had several people bless us with financial donations and we were overwhelmed.  We hit many potholes in the path to this point, but we kept going.  As scary as it was, we had a peace.

Be Still and Know-I am God

Waiting seemed to be our lesson throughout adoption.  We waited a LOT.  There were a lot of HURRY up and get the money for this and then WAIT!

So, since we wired the money on Monday we had to wait.  We knew very little information.  All we could do was pray.  I just remember thinking about all the possibilities.  The good....we were going to have a baby!  The bad....we could be played.  We could've just sent a huge amount of money, like HUGE, and we could lose it all.  Which means that we just took a leap.  We have a loan to repay whether or not we have a baby in our arms at the end of this.  THAT is scary.

Elijah---he kept praying.  He was faithful in his praying.  He knew that something was going on, but he didn't know all the details.

Our agency called us and we filled out paperwork.  We started all the inspections, fingerprinting, TB testing, etc, etc, etc....Home studies, being sure to have all the health information written, we had to cross our t's and dot our i's!  It was imperative that we continued this at a good rate.

We received information about our birthmom.  She was an addict.  She was currently on methadone and was receiving daily treatments.  Along with this information there was a lot of what if's for the baby.  However, we were in.  We were committed.  We felt that God would take care of this baby.  So, we just prayed & asked others to join us in prayer.

Because of the open adoption with have with Eli's birthmom, I wanted to meet this birthmom as soon as possible.  I felt firmly that I needed to do this.  I couldn't shake the feeling.  I spoke with the agency & while they were open to it, they made sure I knew that it was completely up to the birth mother and if she didn't want to, it was her choice.  We understood that, but I really wanted to be close to her too.

I am fairly certain I was a pain in the rear end to the agency.  I pretty much talked to them daily.  I would always ask to have contact with birthmom.  They would chat with me but she still hadn't said yes.

By this point in the process, we had received our financial information.  We knew what our monthly payments would entail, for housing/living expenses for birth mom and for daily methadone.  We also understood there could be other expenses that came up, but we would have our info monthly.  At the birth there was a lump sum due.

So, we had our marching orders financially.  We had our detailed information as to what we needed to get done and we were waiting to hear from the agency as to whether birthmom would agree to meet us.

In June.....I finally got to meet her!  I was so excited, but OH, MY, GOODNESS!  I was so scared.  Again, what if she didn't like me?  I was meeting her alone for the first time and ugh, I am not the ideal mom.  What am I going to talk to her about?  What are we going to do?

So, I went & picked her up at her place.  She was ready for some food, so she asked if we could go to Golden Corral.  So....off we went.  We talked and talked and talked.  About everything and anything.  It was so comfortable.  It was natural.  It felt right.  We talked about baby "boy" and we talked about life.

It just seemed right.  We spent several hours together before ending our time.  I left feeling like this was it!  This was the perfect match.  We had found our baby.  We were having a baby boy in September!  Yay!!!!!

But....God reminded me....Be still Beth.  Be Still...and so, we waited....for more information.  We waited to know.....did she pick us?  Were we matched?

Eli's prayers

Elijah.....he prayed faithfully.  He taught me so much about faith.

April 2013.  I was having a day with my sweet friend Julie and we were getting pedicures.  I happened to check Facebook.  I was tagged in a post, by a sweet lady I have never physically met.  We became friends on Facebook because of adoption.  She & I share the same desires.  She tagged me in a post about a bi-racial little boy, due in September that needed a family.  WHAT?!  That would be a perfect fit!

So, I called the #.  I got a voice mail, but I left some message about the fact that we were interested in adopting this little boy & we already had a little boy and we would be a great family.  I was a mess.  ha!  Julie and I chatted and we were relaxing enjoying our day.  Then, my phone rang.  It was that number calling me back!  What?!

On the phone call, I received information and well, it was some financially information.  I wasn't sure it was going to happen.  But, Julie (who was pregnant by the way) and I just went to lunch and enjoyed the rest of our day.

That evening at home we read all the information, and it seemed hopeless.  But, God is able.  We talked to a couple members of our family and shared with them the information, which included the "match" fee of a fairly steep amount. Pretty sure this little one wasn't meant to be in our home.

The next day, I received a phone call from a family member.  They were willing to loan us the match fee.  What?!  EEEEEEKKKKKKKK.  So, we started the paperwork.

So, this adoption was all new to me.  We were working with an agency.  But, this information also had come from an adoption facilitator.

Adoption facilitator....this is someone who helps find a family for birthmoms.  They are also someone who sometimes work with adoption agency's to match families with birthmoms.  They have a fee too.

I was not familiar with this "facilitator" issue.  In some states they actually don't allow them.  So, we started the process for this little guy and signed paperwork.  It was Sunday.  I was confused by the paperwork.  I was not understanding why the cost was going to be different than what we were told.  I asked and the facilitator told me I needed to ask the agency.  So, I emailed the agency.  They normally weren't working on Sunday, but this day, happened to be.  She was appalled by the amount the facilitator was charging me and told me not to sign the paperwork.  Thank God she did.  It would have costs us an additional $12k for this route.  But, our agency, stopped us and come to find out, they had NEVER requested this facilitators help!!!!!

It was hard to sleep.  It was hard to do anything over the next few days.  On Monday, we wired the money to the agency and all we could do then was wait.

Wait
and
wait
and
wait.

Waiting is what we did.  Be still....

The continuing journey

Life.  Life had changed for us quite a bit since Eli joined our family.  In 2010, we  moved to TX.  I stopped working outside of the home and Dan started traveling for work. It was tough.  We missed being with him every evening, but Eli & I made the best of it. Eli started to pray nightly for 2 specific items.  Daddy to be home full time and a baby sister.  Yup, I laughed inside every night about the baby sister prayer.

One day while Eli was at preschool, I was shopping at Carter's on their clearance rack.  Eli was 4.  I found a size 6 shirt that was less than $1.  I picked it up.  The front of this shirt said....Big Brother.  Now, mind you, at this point, Dan & I hadn't really talked about more.  Well, we had, but it was definitely not on our agenda.  But, that weekend, Dan & I prayed over the shirt & put it in my dresser drawer.

Eli continued to pray.  Daily.  For a sister.  2013 came and life continued on as normal.  Dan & I occasionally would talk of more children, but really just felt like it was out of our reach.

But, remember how God had given me scriptures throughout the Elijah process? Well, again, I felt God reminding me...."Be Still...."

Be still and KNOW that I am GOD!  Oh, it t=is so breathtaking to remember this.

And so.....our journey was all in the hands of God and HE was amazing at taking care of us.

to be continued...