My last post was in Dec 2018. It was to explain why the move. Why the move from Houston to small town PA. It was truth. It was all true. Nothing, not a thing, nada, zip, zilch, zero is better than being around family. God's way is the best way. Hands down. We know without a doubt that He moved us back home.
You see, today, at the very moment I write this, my sister, Alice, is in surgery. She is having a liver biopsy and a chemo port put in. Colon cancer. You think it was coincidence that she was diagnosed 1 year after we arrived? Nope. No coincidence. It was God. God knew.
So, people have asked me a lot over the past year, Hey Beth, how are you doing? Most of the time I say fine. Or good. Or ok, or I'll survive. Yes. I am ok. But, honestly, I just don't know when the time to really share how I am is then or never. When you ask, I know you are being genuine, but I don't know if you really have the time to listen or the wherewithal to take it all in. Nope, I am not doubting you. I'm not doubting your love for me or your care, but I am doubting that I can actually make it through how I'm really doing. So, here it goes. If you don't want to see or know the raw truth, stop reading.
Seriously. Only continue if you really are prepared.
Truth, the raw truth. The unedited version is this...
Life is hard. Real hard. This year has been a struggle. I've been on the big struggle bus. I moved back to the northeast in the midst of an ice/snow storm. We had a huge group of people waiting for us here to unload. Truth is, I was overwhelmed. I walked in the house and immediately started to have a panic attack. I cried. I sobbed. I stood in the kitchen and watched people carry box after box to various points in the house. The steps. Oh.My.WORD, the steps in this house. They were crazy. The kitchen was tiny. I didn't know how I was even going to get through a day, let alone a week with the kitchen. To top it off, I was freezing. Quite literally I didn't remember how cold, cold was. I was broken. I knew we were where we were to be, but I was broken. Little did I know, for the next better part of 8 months our house would be in shambles. Making it better, but living in filth. Living in dust and dirt and no kitchen in the main house *thankfully there is a small kitchen in the in-law suite that we used*. Thanksgiving and Christmas happened, but not the same. It seemed to be a blur. But we managed. Eventually our house would be done, for now. Much more work needs done, but the budget says no way.
I struggle. Every day. I have many mixed emotions. I LOVE being back home with family & friends and comfort. But, it is hard. There have been 2 times in life that I have felt most lonely. In 2010 when we moved to TX I had a year or more of loneliness. Now, I was right back there. 2019 has been extremely lonely. What? Why in the world? You moved home?! You are with family! Beth, for real, why in the world are you lonely?? Well, let me explain it the way it was told to me. In 2010 when we moved to TX, my friends and family here had to keep living. Their lives didn't stop because we moved. Simply put....I'm replaceable. Not in a rude way & not that anyone shouldn't have moved on. I had to move on too. It just took me a while. 2010 was hard for me. I did make friends but it was tough. I had never had to open up like that. I had to be vulnerable in ways I didn't want to be. So, coming back, same thing. Sure, I had my family & friends here, but let's be real. their lives, they had to keep going. It was my life that was in limbo. I had never been a stay at home mom in PA. I always worked outside of the home. Now, I was staying home all the time, but my friends and family still had to carry on. They can't hold my hand every day. I had to start spreading my wings again. Slowly, but surely, I have been doing that. Although I've been in a lonely period it isn't anyone's fault. It is just life. Simple. Life.
Caregiving. People thought I would fail. Some actually even expressed it. Whether to me or others they expressed the concern that I couldn't handle this. Truth is. Maybe I can't. It's hard. My heart is full on. I love my parents more than life itself. But, I can't find the balance. My life isn't mine. I'm now a parent of 4. I jokingly say that but it is true. I am responsible for more than just myself. I struggle because I don't work out of the home. I struggle because some days, can't be easy. I've had breaks. I have a dear friend who gives me breaks & a sister, Joyce, who has given me multiple breaks. Of which, I am blessed and thrilled to have. I don't regret caregiving. It is hard but it's good. I'm honored to be with my parents. But that doesn't make it easier some days. I also know that God is teaching me a lot through this. He is showing me tangible sacrifice. As hard as it is, I have a lot of learning to do. Asking for help & admitting when I can't is one of the things I have to learn. That is not easy for me to do. But, I will continue to try.
Parkinson's. God, that disease sucks. The fact that a year ago my husband was on 0 medications and was in good health and that he now has a diagnosis and the disease has already started to make it's mark on him is hard. He now takes multiple medications on a daily basis and although we do see some help with the disease, it is limited. However, let's just go to the fact that God moved us within 2 hours of the nations top Neurological center with Johns Hopkins. Once again, our move has been good.
So, how am I? Well, I miss a lot about Houston. I miss the zoo. I miss the time I had to be with my kids. I miss having evenings outside with them in the warmth. Even in the cooler times in TX, it was bearable. I miss the museum district. I miss my friends. I miss my church. I miss a ton about TX. But, when I was in TX, I missed my family. Daily. I missed them. Now, I'm here. I'm with them. I got to be at my family reunion this summer. Although I literally fell flat on my face and skinned my body up, I loved being there. Then, last weekend, we had early thanksgiving with my family. And got to celebrate my sister Joyce's 60th birthday. What a wonderful weekend it was. Seriously the best. Then now, my sister Alice is in the fight of her life. And I get to be here. So, would I trade it? Would I change moving back home? Nope. Not at all. Family is way more important than being around amenities. This year, we get to celebrate Thanksgiving in our home. The home that I no longer hate. The home I have grown to love. All the steps included. This year, Christmas may be financially hard, but the love and time we have together will be celebrated.
So in 2020, I will ask for help more. I will try to put my relationship back on the burner with my husband. It as be lacking. We don't have time together alone, ever. This year, that will change. Also this year I will continue to treasure the moments. Last year God gave me the word Treasure. To treasure the time. Where your treasure is, there will your heart be. I'm sticking with that word for 2020. I need more time to grow with that.
And so, 1 year to the day after we left TX and arrived in PA, how am I?? I'm good. For the most part I am enjoying the seasons. I loved watching the autumn change this year. I loved watching spring. It has been good. I'm making new friends, I'm reconnecting with old friends and I'm trying to trust God has the best plan possible for me. I'm still struggling to know my dream. But, time will heal.
From the bottom of my heart, TX friends....I love y'all. I miss y'all daily, but life in small town PA is right where I need to be right now. PA friends....thank you for loving me. Thank you for allowing me back into your life, even for the little times we can connect. I love y'all. Family....it's good to be home. You are all loved.
